Doggett's Stupidity
by doggettandscully
Summary: Doggett carries out a practical joke.......


Doggett snatched the food stuffs he had just perchased from the counter and rushed as   
fast as he could from the canteen. He found himself dashing down the hall to the direction of the  
lifts and halting as he reached his destination. He looked up to see that the lift was currently  
on the fourth floor so would be down pretty soon, Doggett smiled as he thought about the two   
large doughnuts he had perchased to eat after the large bacon baguette and coffee he was holding  
in a brown paper bag under his arm.  
"Hi" A familiar voice said cheerfully from behind, Doggett turned his head to see agent Willmore  
with a smile and a casefile in his hand.  
"Hi, yours?" Doggett asked nosily motioning to the file  
"Yep, me and Chow have to go to Chicago for a few days, we leave this afternoon" He said  
"Oh right anything interesting?"  
"Nope, just a boring old field trip"  
Suddenly the doors to the elevator glided open for the agents to step inside, Doggett rushed  
in faster than the speed of light and pressed down before Willmore had a chance.   
"Hey I think this is the first time I've got into this lift to find it empty" Willmore joked  
"Hey look" Doggett said as the doors closed. He pointed to a large framed picture of Skinner  
on the wall, he was smiling proudly wearing a suit and tie with his badge on show. Beneath the  
picture were the words 'Assistant Director Walter Skinner'.  
"Never noticed that before" Willmore commented  
"Who does he think he is exactly? I don't see anyone else here's picture in the elevators"  
An idea suddenly sprang to Doggett's mind. He felt the urge to suddenly impress agent Willmore  
with a practical joke, afterall Willmore was the most popular agent at the headquaters and if he  
did something funny maybe it would get around to all of Willmore's friends and Doggett could   
finally fit in with the guys.  
"Hey do you dare me?" He found himself asking as he reached into his pocket to retrieve his  
X-men pencil tin.  
"To do what?" Willmore asked, he watched as Doggett took out a black pen from his case and put  
two and two together, "No way, he'd kill you if he found out"  
"How's he gonna find out?" Doggett asked as he removed the lid to the permanent marker, he leaned  
nearer to the picture and began to sketch on the glass concealing it.  
"Hey that isn't a good idea Doggett" Willmore said as he watched  
"Oh it'll be a laugh" Doggett said as he stood back to admire the large bushy eyebrows he had  
drawn. He laughed childishly before moving on to a moustache and a funny hairstyle.  
"Look" He said as he stood back, Willmore couldn't help but snigger silently at the picture, it  
did actually look very funny.   
Suddenly the elevator came to a halt and Doggett quickly placed his pen and pencil tin inside his  
jacket before the doors glided open.  
"Quick" He said as he departed the lift dragging Willmore by his sleeve, they rushed down the   
corridor until they were safely out of view and burst into a fit of laughter.  
"You're bad" Willmore said, "Wait until this gets out"  
"As long as it doesn't get to Skinner"  
"Don't worry my pals won't tell"  
Great, Doggett thought, I'm finally getting in with the popular guys!  
"Oh well, I should be going, I have to get some stuff and then pick up Chow from his mothers"   
Willmore said as he began to stroll into the direction of his and Chow's office.  
"Right catch you later" Doggett smiled with delight as he turned to walk in the opposit direction  
to his and Scully's office. He rushed up to the door and pushed it open to find Scully perched  
at her desk reading through a casefile.  
"You took your time" She said bitchily, "Did you get me any lunch?"  
"Er..." Doggett suddenly remembered that she had specifically asked him to get her a sandwich  
and a can of coke.  
"Let me guess...you forgot" She said, "Again"  
"I...I had a lot on my mind, I can't help forgetting Scully" He said as he menouvered over to  
his desk and placed two little brown paper bags on it.  
"You can have one of my doughnuts" He said as he began to go on a guilt trip  
"Thats big of you" She said with sarcasm  
"And my coffee" He said as he removed the warm disposible cup from the bag.  
Scully smiled with delight,  
"Thats more like it"  
He rushed over and handed her the cup and held out the bag containing his doughnuts. Scully  
reached in and it was at that moment that Doggett realised that they only had one of his  
favourite pink-iced ones today so he had to get a plain one to go with it. What if Scully  
took the pink-iced one?  
He instinctively shot out his hand clasped it around her wrist so as to stop her from reaching  
inside. He suddenly realised how stupid it was to do such a thing, she looked up in shock as  
if to ask why he was holding her wrist preventing it from movement.  
"Doggett!" She said as she suddenly came over all angry, "What the hell-"  
"I...thought...er..." He thought hard for a few seconds, He glanced over at Mulder's UFO picture  
on the wall and an idea sprang to mind, "I thought I would tell you something"  
Now she looked completely bemused  
"Er...I heard a rumour that there was a UFO sighting last night...and now everyone's saying that   
we shouldn't eat...er...sugar because they could have contaminated it"  
As soon as he finished his far-out sentence he instantly wished he had not said a word. How  
stupid was his excuse? Did he even say it? Would she ever believe it?  
"Doggett!" She squealed, "I can't believe you! If you don't want me to have a doughnut you  
only have to say" She said, "Now let go!" She screeched as she tugged her hand away from his   
grasp.   
"I...er I was just joking Scully" He lied,   
"You were joking? Why? Was there any point to your lame 'joke'?" She bitched  
Doggett instantly guessed that she was having a bad day.  
"Er...sorry, here have a doughnut" He said as he reached in to find the squashed plain one.  
"I don't like those ones" She said as he produced the sad excuse for a doughnut, "Did you get  
any other-"  
"NO!" He found himself shouting and pulling the bag closer as if to protect it.  
"Gees, you really are in a mood today Doggett" Scully said, "Have you been drinking?"  
"No...I...oh fine, here take it!" He said angrily as he shoved the bag containing the pink-iced  
doughnut in her direction, "Go on have it!"  
Scully couldn't believe what she was seeing. First he offers her a doughnut but grabs her arm to  
stop her from taking one, then tells her a completely pointless UFO story and has a fit because  
she wanted an iced doughnut instead of a plain one. What was wrong with him?  
"Doggett are you okay?"  
"Yes...take it!" He squealed sending an echo around the room  
"No I don't want it now" Scully said noting the wierdness in his actions.  
"You don't want it?" He said sounding calmer, "Great" He smiled as he took the bag over to his   
desk. He was so happy that he got to eat the doughnut after all.  
Scully watched as he plonked in his chair and removed the doughnut from the bag, had she seen  
that? Did he have a fit in the middle of the room and then walk over as calm as day to his  
desk with what seemed to be a smile?  
The room fell silent for a while minus the rustling of Doggett's lunch, he stuffed the remains  
of the doughnut into his mouth before moving on to the bacon baguette.  
"So, any cases?" Scully asked in an attempt to break the silence  
Doggett suddenly remembered that he was supposed to stop off at Skinner's office on his journey  
to the canteen but in his cack to catch the snack cart he had forgotten.  
"Er...I..."  
"Forgot" Scully said with sarcasm, "Suppose I'll have to go" She said as she pushed her swivel  
chair out from beneath her desk.  
"I didn't forget...it just slipped my mind" Doggett protested.  
Don't they both mean the same thing? Scully asked herself but couldn't be bothered to get into  
an argument over it. Instead she walked over to the office door.  
Doggett took a huge bite from his baguette and watched as Scully pulled the door open,  
"Oh shit" He grumbled to himelf as a piece of bacon glided onto the desk, quick as a shot his  
hand reached out to snatch it up. A loud ruckas suddenly occured in the doorway, in confusion  
Doggett looked to see the door ajar. He shrugged his shoulders and continued with his lunch,  
then he spotted a pair of pointy boots sticking through the doorway on the floor.   
"Oh" Scully's voice murmered from the direction of the boots, Doggett jumped up from his chair  
and dashed over to the door and tugged it open. Scully layed on the floor face-down half in and  
half out of the office.  
"Oh...er..." Doggett tried in vain to contain his laughter, "Are you okay Scully?"  
"Er...yeah" She said through unbelievable embarrassment. She quickly pulled herself up and   
straightened her trouser suit before rushing off down the hall to the lifts.  
Once out of view from Doggett she sighed deeply at the incident, why did that happen? Infront  
of Doggett of all people?  
The doors to the elevator glided open to reveal a large picture of a man with a dodgey hairstyle,  
big eyebrows and a curly moustache. She looked at the vulgar man with disgust as she stepped  
into the lift and pushed the rightful button. The doors drifted closed and Scully took another  
look at the picture, on closer inspection she noticed the words 'assistant director walter   
skinner' beneath it.   
It was at that point she realised the picture had been vandalised by a stupid and childish agent.  
Doggett screwed the clingfilm from his baguette into a ball and tossed it into the bin,  
as usual it missed and landed by the door instead. He then removed the plain doughnut from   
the bag and eyed it with interest, could he bring himself to eat the tasteless dough? He tossed  
the decision around in his mind before deciding to save it for later. He placed it back in the  
bag and into the draw in his desk.  
He sat back in his swivel chair and sighed with fulfilment and contentment at his wonderful  
lunch. At that moment Doggett caught sight of Scully's computer, suspicion filled his mind as to  
what she got up to on there day and night. Every time he entered the office she was sat there  
typing away and connected to the internet.  
Doggett found himself standing from his chair and dashing over to the computer to find it   
switched on, a huge face starred back from the screen and Doggett recognised it to be the actor  
from Angel and Buffy the vampire slayer. He took a seat on her chair and realised it was a  
web site and couldn't help but laugh at the fact she visited an Angel website.  
Doggett read the welcome message to one side of the screen,  
"Hi welcome to my website dedicated to the actor David Boreanaz or otherwise known as Angel.  
My name is Dana and..." Doggett paused with shock, was this Scully's website? He laughed silently  
and continued to read,  
"My name is Dana and I'm his biggest fan. I watch Buffy and Angel all the time and have met  
David on several occasions, as a matter of fact I dated him for a while and am still good  
friends with him" Liar! Doggett thought, she was actually pretending that she had dated David  
Boreanaz! He scrolled down the screen to find a guestbook and clicked on it with speed.  
Doggett looked up and down the messages, all women cacking for Angel's phone number from his  
apparent 'friend' Dana. Doggett couldn't help but click on the little 'sign my guestbook' sign  
at the top of the screen.  
He giggled childishly as a panel appeared asking his name,  
"Hmm, Jack" He said as he typed in the name, "Jack Boreanaz" He chuckled as he began to write  
his message,  
"Hi all, as you can guess by my name, I am in fact a relative of David's. His cousin that is"  
Doggett laughed in a childish manner as he typed his message, "Glad to see so many fans out  
there, David would be proud to know he has so many. I would love to hear from you Dana" He said  
aloud as he typed the message with speed.   
  
THIRTY MINUTES LATER   
Doggett sat back in his own chair and placed his feet on the desk. He couldn't help  
but laugh silently when he thought about Scully's website and the fact that she pretended to  
know Angel.  
The door to the office swung open revealing Scully,  
"Gee you took your time" Doggett said   
"I know, I had to show something to Skinner" She said  
"Show him what?" He asked nosily as he fiddled with a pencil.  
"Somebody vandalised his picture in the elevator. He is so upset about it he only put it up  
this morning"  
Doggett suddenly remembered the incident in the lift. His heart began to beat at an incredible  
speed,  
"What? You showed him the picture?" He asked  
"Yes, did you know about it?"  
"No of course not" He lied, "But...but he doesn't know who did it does he?" He cacked  
"Not yet" She replied as she strolled over to her desk and took a seat.  
Doggett sighed with relief,   
"But the cctv footage will show who is responsible" She added   
A feeling of utter dread and shock came over Doggett. He knew instantly how much trouble he was  
in,  
"Cc...cctv?" He stuttered, "In the elevator?"  
"Yes, Skinner's just waiting for someone to deliver the tape from this morning" She said as she  
looked at her computer and suddenly remembered that she had left it connected to the internet.  
She noticed that her David Boreanaz website was fulfilling the screen and she had a cack-fit  
as she rushed to see if any more visitors had signed her guestbook. She heard the sounds of the  
office door slam shut and looked up to see Doggett absent from the office, his chair was spinning  
beside his desk. Was it humanly possible to leave a room so fast? Why had he left the room at   
all?  
She shrugged her shoulders and returned her attention to her website. She clicked on her guest-  
book to see if anyone had signed during her short absence from the computer.  
  
WILLMORE'S OFFICE  
Doggett burst into the room to find it occupied by Reyes. He looked left and right still  
to find Willmore gone.  
"Wheres...wheres Willmore?" He asked in a cacky fit  
Reyes quickly looked up from the computer screen. Shit! She thought to herself, she had been  
caught red handed looking through Willmore's personal computer files. She noticed that Doggett  
was having some kind of stressful fit, maybe he hasn't noticed she thought to herself. Surely  
he would ask why I'm here if he had, she decided.  
"Well? Where is he?"  
"Oh er he had to get Chow from his mother's house" She said, "Why the fuck do you want to know?"  
She asked as she lit up a cigarette.  
"Oh no" Doggett said as he suddenly remembered that Willmore and Chow were going to Chicago  
to investigate a case. He delved into his pocket to retrieve his mobile phone, his attempt  
was to speed-dial Willmore's number but as usual the phone was flat. He quickly dashed over to   
the telephone upon Chow's desk and picked up the reciever.   
It then occured to him that he didn't know Willmore's number,  
"What's Willmore's number?" He asked with cakiness  
"I dunno" Reyes replied  
"WELL FIND OUT!" Doggett found himself yelling to the lazy agent.  
"Who the hell do you think you are, Mr Bigshit?" She asked using her usual foul-mouth, "Get  
the fucking number yourself!"  
"But how?"  
"Go and ask Skinner, he's bound to have it" She said giving him a big dirty look.  
Doggett felt like screaming with frustration, all he wanted to do was ring Willmore. But why?  
He asked himself, what could Willmore do?  
He placed the reciever back on the phone, Scully said that Skinner was waiting for the tape  
to be delivered, but from where? Would he be able to somehow stop the delivery?  
Maybe if he could get Skinner to leave his office he could volunteer to wait for the tape thus  
he could tamper with it and make himself unidentifiable. He found his idea to be perfect and  
quickly dashed from the office and to the elevators.  
  
SKINNER'S OFFICE  
Doggett knocked loudly on the door. He felt his stomach do another summersalt as a  
dreadful nervous feeling crept over him. What if Skinner had seen the tape by now? What if he  
was watching it the moment Doggett walked into the room?  
"Come in" Skinner's voice called, Doggett slowly pushed the door open and gazed into the room.  
Skinner sat lonesome at his desk with the vandalised picture infront of him.  
"Agent Doggett" He said in a calm manner,  
"Er sir I need to speak with you" He said as he entered the room,  
"Not now agent, I'm busy"  
"Er it won't take long" Doggett protested.  
Skinner sighed heavily  
"Very well"  
"I er...recieved a phonecall" He lied, "You're urgently needed at er..." He tried to think of  
a place quite a distance to give him plenty of time to see the tape.  
"Urgently needed where agent Doggett?"  
"Er Scruffy Lake" He blurted out,   
"Scruffy Lake?" Skinner asked with confusion "Wheres that?"  
Now what? How could he tell him where it was when he just made it up?  
"Er...it's about er-"  
"Tell them I can't, I'm waiting on a delivery" Skinner said matter-of-factly.  
"A delivery? I could get that for you" Doggett said trying to sound helpful  
"No you can't" He said "I have to be here, tell them I can't make it"  
Great, Doggett thought. He realised his little plan hadn't worked, Skinner had no intentions  
of leaving the office.  
"Before you go agent Doggett would you like to have a coffee with me?" Skinner suggested.  
Shock fell over Doggett's body he had never, ever been invited to share coffee with the assistant  
director, only priviledged agents dared to do so. Doggett was so shocked that he almost forgot  
about the tape,  
"Y...yes of course sir" He said  
"Good, I have mine black with two sugars" Skinner said as he pointed to the small coffee machine  
to one side of the room. Doggett quickly rushed over to get them both a coffee,  
"You wouldn't happen to know anything about my picture would you agent Doggett?" Skinner asked  
with curiosity. He had been thinking about who could have done such a thing all day but  
strangely he hadn't even considered Doggett.  
Oh no, Doggett thought, did he know something or was he just being paranoid?  
"Er...what picture?" He asked trying to sound all innocent  
"This picture" Skinner replied as he held up the picture for Doggett to see  
"Er...no sir...who would do such a thing?"  
"Thats what I would like to know but I hope the person responsible has life insurance" He  
said in an angry and menacing tone.  
Doggett gulped hard with fear, he quickly got them both a coffee and rushed to the desk, he  
knew that he had to find some way to get him out of the office.  
"Here you go" He said as he placed the coffee infront of him. Skinner snatched up the cup  
without so much as a thankyou,  
"God help the person who did this" He muttered as he sipped the coffee.  
Doggett felt another summersalt erupt in his stomach, he sat in the chair opposit Skinner and  
took a sip from his cup.  
"Er maybe it was just a joke" Doggett said, Skinner's face turned to an angry grimace, his eyes  
narrowed forming an almost scary face. Doggett felt a shiver pass through his body,  
"Nobody makes a joke out of me agent Doggett, anyone who believes they can do so would be  
incredibly brave or just plain dumb" He said with a voice so angry it was almost a whisper  
escaping his clenched teeth.  
Doggett realised at that moment how serious the issue was, he wished desperately that he had  
never done it. He wished he could turn back time and change the whole thing.  
Suddenly a knock at the door caused Doggett to cack big time, was it the delivery?  
"Come in" Skinner called. The door opened to reveal a small man holding some kind of machinery.  
He plodded into the office and placed it beside Skinner's television, Doggett instantly  
realised it was equipment to watch the tape with.   
"Er...maybe you should watch it later sir...you really should get to Scruffy Lake" Doggett  
cacked.  
"Scruffy Lake can wait, I've been waiting for this moment all day" Skinner said as he sipped  
his coffee. The man set about connecting the machine to the TV,  
"But...but..." Doggett thought hard, "They said it was urgent"  
"They can wait, I suggest you watch this tape with me agent Doggett, I need a witness" Skinner  
said causing Doggett to shake in his shoes.  
"Er I really think you ought to get to Scruffy Lake sir...I could get the directions for you"  
Skinner ignored Doggett's request and watched as the man connected the machine to the TV.  
Doggett wondered how he would see this through, how could he sit there while Skinner watched  
the tape of him vandalising the picture?  
"You will need this to rewind or fast forward" The man said as he walked over and handed Skinner  
a remote control, "Its all yours" He added as he menouverd to the door and left Doggett alone   
with Skinner in the office.  
Doggett felt like crying, he wished the ground would swallow him up, how could he escape this  
situation?  
Skinner played the tape and a vision of the lift fulfilled the TV screen. The doors to the lift  
glided open and an image of Doggett and Willmore entering caused Doggett to look away.  
Skinner sat silently watching the footage, he saw Doggett remove a pen from a pencil tin and  
begin to squiggle on Skinner's beloved picture.   
Doggett couldn't believe what was happening, he looked at Skinner to see what kind of expression  
covered his face but only to discover he sat blankly staring at the TV. Was that a good sign?  
Skinner switched off the TV and placed the remote control on his desk.  
Doggett waited for some kind of reaction but he just sat there silent, should he say something?  
Should he just leave the room? Apologise?  
Doggett felt uncomfortable and found himself subconciously fidgeting with his tie, he looked  
at Skinner who sat there still blank and staring at the TV.  
"Er...I can explain sir...I did it so I could be accepted into Willmore's gang I didn't mean  
to cause such an uproar" He said only for no reaction from Skinner. Was he okay?   
"Never in my life" Skinner said quietly, "Have I been so angry" He said now turning to face  
Doggett,  
"Sorry sir I-"  
"I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY!" He bellowed as he rose from his chair  
"Sir I-" Doggett stood from his position, "I'm sorry!"  
"I ASKED YOU IF YOU KNEW ABOUT IT! I OFFERED YOU COFFEE!" He shouted almost losing his voice  
as anger took control of his body.  
Doggett had never seen Skinner so angry in all his life, what was he going to do to him?  
He was shaking with rage and red, Doggett was almost certain he could see Skinner's specatcles  
steaming up. Doggett almost shit himself when Skinner suddenly marched toward him,  
"Noooooo!" He squealed as he rushed to the door, "Help me!" He shouted as he rushed out of  
the office. He ran with incredible speed out into the hall and headed for the elevators, he  
could hear the sounds of Skinner's loafers thumping down the hall behind,  
"Help me!" He squealed as the doors to the elevator opened just in time. Doggett rushed inside  
and pushed the down button. He cacked as the doors closed slowly and Skinner was gaining on  
him, the bespectacled man was running faster than he had ever ran before.  
"AGENT DOGGETT!" He shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RUN AWAY!"  
"Aaaah!" He screamed as Skinner's angry and red face got closer and closer to the lift. The  
doors glided closed and Doggett sighed with relief.  
He took deep breaths as the lift travelled to the ground floor, moments later the doors opened  
and Doggett stepped out. He quickly checked each direction to see Skinner absent, great he  
thought just enough time to hide.  
"AGENT DOGGET!" Skinner called, Doggett turned to see him running down the staircase,  
"Aaaaah!" He screamed and rushed down the hall to his and Scully's office.  
"Oh my god, its David Boreanaz's cousin!" Reyes said excitedly as she and Scully looked at  
the fake message left by Doggett on her website.  
"I know!" Scully smiled, suddenly the door burst open and Doggett rushed into the room with  
speed,  
"Aaaah!" He yelled in a panic and he dove under his desk,  
"Doggett?" Scully asked as she looked on in confusion. Seconds later Skinner came rushing into  
the room,  
"HOW DARE YOU RUN FROM ME!" He bellowed with anger as he instantly saw Doggett 'hiding' under  
his desk, he dashed over and grabbed ahold of his leg, "GET OUT, GET OUT!" He yelled  
"Help me!" Doggett screamed like a girl, "Aaaah no please don't hurt me!"  
"GET OUT AGENT DOGGETT!" Skinner demanded, "GET...GET...GET..." He suddenly began to choke on  
his words due to his furios rage, Skinner tugged hard on Doggett's leg when suddenly an almighty  
fart fluttered from his arse. He stopped in his tracks and dropped Doggett's leg to the floor.  
Oh my god, Doggett thought to himself, did Skinner just fart?  
"Sir?" Scully asked, "Whats going on? Are you okay?"  
Skinner suddenly felt his bodily heat rise up before darkness fulfilled his vision.  
  
WASHINGTON GENERAL HOSPITAL  
"This is your fault!" Scully said to Doggett as she paced up and down in the waiting  
room, "Why didn't you tell me it was you? It was stupid for you to go alone and confess...I  
could have gone with you...you know how he reacts when you do something wrong...I could have  
calmed him down before he had this fit" She said with stress.  
"I...I couldn't and I didn't confess. I went up to him to prevent him from seeing the tape"  
Doggett said matter-of-factly.  
"What? You were trying to hide it? You didn't even have the guts to admit it?" She asked full  
of rage,  
"I...I didn't want to get Willmore into trouble" Doggett lied trying to sound all kind hearted  
and good. Really he wouldn't like it more if Willmore took all the blame, at least Skinner  
would be soft on him.  
"What?" Scully asked in shock, "Willmore was in on this?"  
"Yes...in fact he made me do it" He added to his lie, "He said that if I didn't he would...er...  
do it and blame me"  
Scully couldn't believe her ears, was her precious Willmore capable of that?  
  
  
  
CONTINUED IN PART TWO... 


End file.
